300. Overcoming Hyper-Independence
Are you hyper-independent? Join the club! I’ve definitely had some seasons where I wanted nothing to do with anybody, besides myself. But somehow, I still wasn’t treating myself that great. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?
I’m sure that any therapist can tell you there’s lots of different ways or reasons as to why someone may be hyper-independent. Perhaps they needed to be when they were young. Who knows… maybe too much attention releases us from connections from others. But for some reason, some of us have the desire to seek the world on our own and do things our own way.
Growing up, I didn’t want help from anyone. I think it was a tie between having to figure out the world on my own, but also liking the challenge of it. I mean hey… I was a child without computers or tablets, so I had to make my own fun. Part of that was deconstructing and constructing things. Making something out of nothing. It’s no surprise that as kids, we took on challenges to simply entertain us. I did think it was strange, however when it came to independent/autonomous activities. I of course desperately wanted friends, but I always enjoyed my time alone. Maybe it was because I was an only child. But even when I spent the summers away from home, and others asked me if I missed it, I always said “no”. Not in a rude way, but why would I miss it if I were coming back? I was certainly never the one to be phased at a sleepover. Yet other children struggled so much to be away from home. Even as a teenager, I spent a couple nights at a time at my friends’. Maybe I just liked the company. After all, without any siblings, at times it likely felt more lonely at home.
As an only child, I had somewhat of an opposite reaction to what is/was expected. People assume that only children keep to themselves or are socially awkward. Why would I want that? I still wanted friends, so I went out of my way to make them. Perhaps on a subconscious level I knew that I wanted to develop relationships and have company. I was pretty determined to have fun and make the most out of my childhood and teenage years. I mean… why not?
I wonder if this energy just stuck with me as time went on. I can’t sit here and lie to you, going to college was a challenge for me. It was one thing to spend a couple of months away from home, but I always knew where my home was, and it was there. And it was close. Being out on my own was truly real. And I was responsible for my own self. Maybe this somewhat “hardened” the independent spirit in me. Growing up in NY didn’t exactly help, either. The “big apple” should be called the “big area of unfriendliness”. New Yorkers are certainly helpful, but we keep to ourselves. Needless to say, there were lots of factors working against me.
I distinctly remember moving to California and wanting to move by myself. I remember a neighbor coming up to me after watching me struggle, and was completely dumbfounded when I didn’t want to accept her help. I think that part of me was afraid that since I did feel so alone, I had to do everything for myself to make sure that I was comfortable, in case someone else eventually couldn’t help me. I suppose it was irrational, but maybe it’s just part of growing up. You gotta try everything, of course. Looking back, I realize how ostracizing that energy likely was. Maybe she didn’t even want to help. Maybe she just wanted to make a friend. Not accepting help is also not accepting someone else’s energy. Not only is it off-putting, but it’s also unwise. The crux of this entire article is really about equal energetic exchange.
When we are a “clear channel”, in other words, we’re not inhibited by old/negative stagnant energies which create “blocks”, energy is flowing in and out quite freely and clearly. All of these fears and past traumas/negative experiences “build up” within us. We don’t accept help, and we also likely don’t provide help either. I think that this is somewhat just a larger trauma response, or an act of self-preservation. There’s really no movement here. It’s just doing your best to simply “exist” in the moment. I do feel that hyper-independence can also be a “runaway” energetic tactic. If you’re uncomfortable with your current situation and you really need to disassociate, particularly if it’s with your current environment or the people in your life, you’re likely on more of an independent streak. Again, I think there can be several reasons.
What I think is the most important thing for hyper-independent people to understand, is simply the laws of metaphysics. You need to offer help, and you need to receive help. It’s as simple as that. You simply can’t do anything and everything yourself. And if you can and do, you should really be branching out to finding new things, and taking on new challenges. The “larger” your life becomes, the more you will need to have help. While there’s a lot of success and mastery with doing everything yourself, there comes a point when/where you need to move on. To take that next leap. To conquer the fear of something new. Of trusting someone else. Relying on hem. And it can be scary. And people can disappoint you. But at a certain point, you may not have a choice any longer. It’s true that people can disappoint you, but so long as you protect yourself and respect yourself, there’s nothing that you can really lose. You can’t control other people. And this sense of safety and security doesn’t come from doing anything/everything yourself, it comes from the resilience that you inhabit, and the confidence that goes along with it.
