220. Overcoming Perfectionism

This is one of my favorite topics.

What is perfectionism? I suppose in its most obvious state, perfectionism is making something “perfect”. However, there is not really an objective conclusion as to what perfect is. Since perfectionism is typically related to an execution of our own will and doing, typically it’s very subjective. Often times those struggling with perfectionism have an obsession with not just order, but their own manufactured sense of order. While a perfectionist may have their own rules, another perfectionist may have entirely different ones.

From observation with others as well as relying on my own personal experiences, perfectionism is often times tied with other disorders. It can be anxiety, depression, perhaps even obsessive compulsive disorders. I do feel that for some, perfectionism is a compulsion.

I became mildly obsessed with the show “Hoarders” during quarantine. The most interesting fact i learned in this show is that often times hoarders were previous perfectionists. Upon first hearing that, it doesn’t really make any sense. How could someone who demanded perfection suddenly spiral so out of control? However, I actually feel like it sheds insight into one of the root metaphysical causes or problems.

If we have over developed this manufactured sense of order and perfection, if we are going through a struggling time which somehow puts a “break” in this perfected or superficial system, the entire thing may collapse. This “world” in which we currently saw has no meaning. Perhaps there’s just no energy in general to sustain it. And it’s because it kind of… isn’t real. There are no expectations of the perfectionism except out of the person who is the perfectionist. And again, it’s simply their perception value.

I would say that lack of value would mark a perfectionist’s compulsions. In other words, accomplishing or achieving a task for a logical purpose may not be the task. It may be the “vision” that the perfectionist has in mind. But here’s the difference. This “vision” isn’t really rooted in anything. It’s just an amalgamation of the perfectionist’s preconceived notions. From literally… anything. A perfectionist may decide that they need to steam every crease of a bedsheet, fully knowing that this would not be noticeable from another person’s perspective, as well as the fact that it may get creased again. I think that the “value” of the compulsion may be marked by an objective opinion, or with how much time, space and energy it’s taking up in a person’s life. If the particular perfectionism compulsion is setting this person back, or making it so that they are avoiding or not completing other tasks, it may be perfectionism.

What’s important to note is the lack of connection, or the lack of what truly is. There’s a sense of patience and a sense of grace with completing projects. There’s a “knowing” when something is truly complete. However, perfectionists don’t really have this knowing. They project a superficial end result, which is either unnecessary or just generally warped or not real. There’s no connection to the entire thing they’re working on or working with.

I do believe that lack of connection is one of the key drivers for perfectionism. A person is overcompensating with their lack of connection by projecting a connection or a value onto something. They themselves can’t inherently understand the value. When I was in peak perfectionism, I wasn’t connected to anything. I didn’t understand anything. I was just projecting what I thought needed to be done. Btu it spiraled into obsession. And that obsession moved into avoidance. And avoidance is how you start… to hoard.

Although I myself am not a hoarder. In fact, I kind of hate things, I can understand the compulsory need to keep certain things to simply “retain”. Often times I struggle to replace things because I feel it’s not necessary to. Maybe this sense of “retaining” is a refusal to move forward, to change. I think at the end of the day it all comes down to fear. Fear of connection, fear of unifying to the things around you. And the things that belong got you. I bet if you considered how this concept affected other areas of your life, you may find… symmetry.

Perfectionism as a whole is so… obvious and nuanced at the same time. Perfectionism is the idea of perfection. It’s just… idilic. It can affect anyone or anything. And I think that it’s relative and subjective. Maybe perfectionism is hard to prove. You may feel like you’re a perfectionist, others don’t. And vice versa. Who really truly… knows?

I would say that if you feel that you’re being called to deal with or in some way intellectualize perfectionism… perhaps you have some tendencies. I think that addressing it is somewhat of a life-altering change. Particularly if you struggle with other mental illnesses as well. Considering that I’m somewhat of a reformed perfectionism, it is possible.

Besides improving areas of your life, addressing fear and proactively moving forward with the intention of addressing the issue of connection, you may want to try to avoid things which enhance perfectionism. There are some jobs, roles or tasks which require somewhat of a heightened degree of critique or “perfectionism”. There are certain people who require perfectionism from you. It’s best to be in environments and around people who allow you to make mistakes, do not micromanage you, or project their own feelings or insecurities onto you. There can be a lot of negative learned behaviors this way.

Hope is out there for perfectionists. It can be hard, but it’s worth it to come out the other side.